Jake Peavy and How to Lose a Season in 7 Days

The media has entered Panic Mode. All Sox fans are urged to find their nearest bomb shelter, and prepare for the inevitable. It happened last year! They warned us! And just a few short months-weeks-days, was it? Sure enough, just as the media warned us, Bartolo Colon disappeared! And sure, in theory, “Peavy” and “Colon” have different spellings, but in the Greek alphabet, if you see something that looks like “P”, it’s pronounced like “R”, and when there’s an “R” involved, that’s short for “Run” and that’s just one step away from an ENOURMOUS ERA!

Peavy’s had a mediocre start, a bad start, and apparently that spells trouble! According to [one writer] for the Sun Times, this is just a preamble to a bad arm. Hopefully, this isn’t the case, but in Panic Mode, it’s good enough of a diagnosis for me and I think we should preemptively place him on the DL.

Says Steve Rosenbloom of Chicago Tribune Blog Fame, “Peavy has yet to deliver a quality start. That’s all Mark Buehrle delivers. Remember when people commented that the Sox’s ace wasn’t pitching Opening Day?” Now, I remember Mark Buehrle delivering tons of quality starts after his perfect game last year, but that adjective needs a qualifier. Perhaps “poor” quality, or “mediocre” quality. Plus, Buehrle had the blessings of the offensive gods on the days he pitched.

Another blog on Sporting News.com suggests that a trade might be in order, and believes that there may be something to the whole “AL-NL” thing.

And even though Matt Thornton believes that Peavy will turn it around, what does Thornton know? What is he, a pitcher or something? Does HE know what it’s like to be on the mound in a high-pressure situation? Does HE know anything about Don Cooper? I didn’t think so. He’s not even that tall!

…In conclusion, Jake Peavy will probably be okay. But just in case, I am going to watch videos of chickens with their heads cut off so I can learn a thing or two about running around in panic like a brainless bird. That way, I can be prepared when the time comes.

Thoughts? Ideas? Roomy Panic Room locations? All appreciated in the comment section.