Class Clown: Do I even have to say it? Nick Swisher. If he wasn’t personally advertising for Captain Morgan or aiding Toby Hall to pie someone in the face, he was doing his signature “I can’t believe I just struck out” face and head-tilt.
Most Improved: This has to be a tie between Juan Uribe and Paul Konerko. Before going on the D.L., both had dismal numbers. Uribe was at an embarrassing .198 and Konerko was hitting in the lower .200s well into August. With both their jobs on the line, and need to step up, the two did just that and bumped their averages to around the .250 mark.
Most Likely to Succeed: Clearly Carlos Quentin and Alexei Ramirez are viewed as the future of our team. Both just 26, hitting in the .290 range, and the biggest surprises of the season.
Teacher’s pet: Juan Uribe and Dewayne Wise come to mind. Wise was kept on the roster despite raised eyebrows by many [ok, mostly me] and Juan wasn’t traded, reportedly, because of his close relationship to Ozzie. Both proved to be assets, but I feel being in Ozzie’s favor was what really kept them around before the Crede/Quentin injury debacles.
Most Popular: Paul Konerko is certainly still the most popular guy in Chicago. Between the numerous “Konerko” shirts, and “14” jerseys, and the chants of “Paulie, Paulie, Paulie!” every time he’s up at bat, it’s clear to see that Sox fans still support him and appreciate that he has such a great August and September.
Hottie: Clearly, the award goes to Joe Crede. Every year. Because I say so. But, I must say, I’ve taken quite a liking in this department to Lance Broadway. He has the name and the blonde hair to be the team hottie. Now if only he could learn to pitch like the Mighty Gavin Floyd, who is also in here as an honorable mention. Minus those cringe-worthy weeks when he was bald. But, wear your baldness with pride, Gav, for it is a sign of a winner. I feel like I’ve gotten way carried away with this paragraph and I apologize.
Best Hair: Hair deserves its own post. Honestly. From A.J.’s bleach blonde coif to Joe Crede’s hair when it gets too long, to Nick Swisher’s incessant changes in hair style, to Gavin Floyd constantly having to brush his too long hair out of his eyes- only to go bald, to some very amusing pictures of Brian Anderson with long, curly, blonde hair at Sox Fest, and even Carlos Quentin’s Jose Conseco ‘do, this team has a serious hair problem. And not the same problem Paul Konerko is having, these fellas get way too creative.
Coolest Teacher: Do you remember Don Cooper throwing his pitch count clicker and pulling his hamstring? Well, we’re going to make sure no one forgets it. [Check out this video] I can’t forget Swish laughing into his glove at 1st base. And who is that Bat Boy? Wish I could’ve found a better video. This is illegal as it is.
Shiest: TCQ. Apparently a graduate of the Joe Crede School of Publicity, he has nothing to say to the press. Good for you, CQ!
Best Facial Hair: Boone Logan and his black goatee of shame. There are no comments to be made, a picture will suffice. Honorable mention: Juan Uribe’s bleached goatee.
Worst Profile Picture: And I’m not just talking about MySpace. I mean, those embarrassing shots they put on GameDay and Yahoo! Player profiles. A few of my favorites are MacDougal’s, Alexei’s, and Boone Logan’s (again, because it immortalizes the goatee). Even Gavin Floyd looks a bit like a creep in his mug shot.
Worst Temper: You’d think this award would go to AJ or Ozzie without a second thought. But, in light of the “broken wrist” incident, this one is all yours, Carlos. Here’s to Carlos Quentin, who ended his own season by punching a bat (Not a wall, as my favorite muckraker, Joe Cowley would say).
The Baby: John Danks has to win this one. As my dad yelled at the T.V. a few months ago, “Kid? He’s 23! I was married at 23!”
Underrated: Jermaine Dye. Sure, there are times when he’s- to put it plainly- useless in my eyes, but he’s had 34 home runs this year and has come through many times for the team. No, he’s not Carlos Quentin, but he sure as heck isn’t Nick Swisher. Give this man some recognition.
Perfect Attendance: O.C. for the win! Cabrera only missed one game this season. And was only absent-minded in about 3.
Best Dressed: The Best Dressed Award goes to anyone that had to wear those lovely Negro League Day uniforms… Truly, truly terrible.
Most Likely to Have to Repeat a Grade: Josh Fields. His defense at 3rd base is laughable. I believe my exact words were, “someone tell him that the 3rd base coach is there to help the runner, not him with regulation fly balls.” [PS: Josh, you’re welcome about the shaving tips. Really getting that razor in the cleft will make the ladies like you. Well, probably not, but it’ll definitely make you seem less dirty. No one likes boys that look like they have mud on their face. Like I said, you’re welcome.]
Most absences: Unfortunately, the winner is... Joe Crede. Unfortunately, his back is once again a problem and Crede’s season once again had to end early.
Graduating Class of 2008 (We might miss you): Orlando Cabrera, Ken Griffey Junior, perhaps Juan Uribe, and... more to be announced