If you are a White Sox fan, read the following paragraph. If not, skip it to the next one! It’ll be real good! It has recently come to my attention that Brent Morell was named (unofficially, perhaps, as of now) the White Sox’ new third baseman. While I have mixed feelings on this issue, there is another that springs to mind when thinking about this issue. What of Mark Teahen? To be honest, the only realistic solution is that the Sox pay him $4 million for him to play with the Charlotte Knights. You may say, “there’s always someone stupid enough. They might take him on and even give him an extension and a raise.” If you were a fan of say, the Oakland Athletics, or the Royals, you’d be right. Those idiots are the Sox. But on the totem pole of dumb decisions… well, it doesn’t get any dumber than that. Who would buy this crap?
In just 77 games, Teahen picked up 25 RBI!!! 25! That’s almost one point courtesy of Mark Teahen for every 3 games he plays! He also stole 3 bases! That’s exactly 300% more than Paul Konerko stole in 2009! 300%! That’s a big number! And you just can’t argue with numbers! Especially if I make them bold, underlined, or a really big font. He also had 89 bases this year! That’s like 22 home runs! How many home runs did he actually hit? Well, that’s just irrelevant! I just said it was like 22! NUMBERS! His batting average was .290 and his on base percentage was a decent .357! Yes, that was in 2006 and with the Royals, not the Sox, but again, IRRELEVANT! I mean… if you’re to compare him with the world’s greatest third baseman, Josh Fields, well, then Mark Teahen looks even better! You know how many stolen bases HE had? 0! How many RBI? 6! Some third baseman, right? Look at Teahen! It’s all NUMBERS! You know what else is a big number? 100%! Yes, that’s his fielding percentage! I mean, for a third baseman, that’s REALLLLL good! Better than Joe Crede. And by that, I mean better than when Joe Crede played the OF, 1B, and DH! And for just $4 million dollars, you can have him! That’s SOOO much less than Alex Rodriguez, how can you say no? YOU CAN’T SAY NO!