Marky Mark Goes Solo

It was the winter of 2010, 5 years after the happiest summer of the decade. Chicago was still glowing from a victorious win by its hockey team, but still wiping tears after yet another barren summer. Mark Buehrle, Freddy Garcia, Paul Konerko, A.J. Pierzynski, and Bobby Jenks sat in front of a campfire, telling scary stories. Being traded to the Cubs, having to face Tim Lincecum for every at-bat every day for the rest of their career, having to wear a pink uniform. But none was as scary as the tale told by a man on the other end of the phone line. "You're going solo, Buehrle," announced Jerry Reinsdorf. "I'm disbanding the 2005 band. I hope you know all the songs."

It seems that aside from Mark Buehrle, the remainder of the 2005 gang is gone. Of the gang, the one with the best fighting chance of returning is probably Freddy. It seems the Sox are uninterested in entering in a drawn-out, multimillion dollar contract with the rest. Especially not Konerko and A.J. And who can blame them? Sure, Konerko's year was so stellar he deserved a spot at the All-Star game, but at 34, he's in the twilight of his career. Weren't we begging for his release in 2008? As for A.J., well, I just hope Tyler Flowers is ready. I haven't seen much of him, so that worries me. Almost as much as the fact that Donny Lucy isn't on the 40-man roster.

But the real issue is that the Sox find themselves with a real P.R. problem. Konerko, Pierzynski, Jenks are all staples. They are all the go-to names when thinking of the White Sox. So who will be the face of the organization once they are gone? The obvious answer seems Gordon Beckham, since he was the farm system's golden child, but we are nevertheless filled with a void in our hearts that can only be filled by another World Series trophy. Or the addition of some big names in exchange for releasing some others. What will the advertising campaign be like this year? Who will replace Konerko as captain? Where exactly is Joe Crede? Will Alexei ever weight more than 86 lbs? These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of... SOAP!

And just so we're clear, I think the new gray uniforms look even worse than the old ones. And no one likes the gray anyway. They're so bleak. What is this, the Great Depression?

Fire Sale! Everyone Must Go! Great Deals Here!

If you are a White Sox fan, read the following paragraph. If not, skip it to the next one! It’ll be real good! It has recently come to my attention that Brent Morell was named (unofficially, perhaps, as of now) the White Sox’ new third baseman. While I have mixed feelings on this issue, there is another that springs to mind when thinking about this issue. What of Mark Teahen? To be honest, the only realistic solution is that the Sox pay him $4 million for him to play with the Charlotte Knights. You may say, “there’s always someone stupid enough. They might take him on and even give him an extension and a raise.” If you were a fan of say, the Oakland Athletics, or the Royals, you’d be right. Those idiots are the Sox. But on the totem pole of dumb decisions… well, it doesn’t get any dumber than that. Who would buy this crap?

In just 77 games, Teahen picked up 25 RBI!!! 25! That’s almost one point courtesy of Mark Teahen for every 3 games he plays! He also stole 3 bases! That’s exactly 300% more than Paul Konerko stole in 2009! 300%! That’s a big number! And you just can’t argue with numbers! Especially if I make them bold, underlined, or a really big font. He also had 89 bases this year! That’s like 22 home runs! How many home runs did he actually hit? Well, that’s just irrelevant! I just said it was like 22! NUMBERS! His batting average was .290 and his on base percentage was a decent .357! Yes, that was in 2006 and with the Royals, not the Sox, but again, IRRELEVANT! I mean… if you’re to compare him with the world’s greatest third baseman, Josh Fields, well, then Mark Teahen looks even better! You know how many stolen bases HE had? 0! How many RBI? 6! Some third baseman, right? Look at Teahen! It’s all NUMBERS! You know what else is a big number? 100%! Yes, that’s his fielding percentage! I mean, for a third baseman, that’s REALLLLL good! Better than Joe Crede. And by that, I mean better than when Joe Crede played the OF, 1B, and DH! And for just $4 million dollars, you can have him! That’s SOOO much less than Alex Rodriguez, how can you say no? YOU CAN’T SAY NO!